Q & A

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A: Ruthless

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?

A: German Shepherds

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are mentioned in the Bible?

A: Yahweh drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children for their eviction from the Garden of Eden?

A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A: Moses. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.

Q:  Who was the most famous babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A:  David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q: Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?

A: Because Noah was standing on the deck.

THANKS TO LEANN HEATON FOR THE Q&A JOKES!

No Novacaine

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

Left-Handed Artist

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It was springtime, the flowers were blooming and everything was quite beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left- handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned in Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

June is the month for weddings... Grooms take notice:

The Christian Thing To Do -- Kudzu by Doug Marlette

Little Johnny's Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he replies. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job.
  What comes after ten?"
"A jack."
 

Parking

A woman writes about an embarrassing incident...

"I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there, so I walked away from the car backward, pointing my finger and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!' "

"The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. 'I don't know about you, lady,' he said incredulously. 'But I usually just put my car in park.' "

A Mighty Fine Burial

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man who had died while traveling through the area. The service was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and the man to be buried would be the first person laid to rest in the new cemetery.

As he was not familiar with the back woods area, the young minister soon became quite lost and finally arrived over an hour late. He saw the backhoe by the grave and noticed that the crew was eating lunch under a nearby tree, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place.

The young preacher asked the workers to gather around the hole that had been dug and assured the crew he would not hold them long, but this was "the proper thing to do." The men stepped to the edge of the freshly dug hole, still eating their lunch.

Well, the young preacher poured out his heart and soul.  As he preached, the workers began to respond more enthusiastically with an “Amen” here, a “Praise the Lord” there, and an occasional “Glory hallelujah!”  The young preacher preached and preached like he’d never preached before, quoting scripture from Genesis all the way through Revelation.

More than an hour later the minister closed the graveside service with a prayer and began to walk toward his car, feeling that he had done his duty to the homeless man, and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

Then as he was opening the car door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the men say to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before... and I’ve been puttin' in septic tanks for over twenty years now.”

 

___________________________________

LET'S JUST "PRAISE THE LORD!"

A man was hiking through the hill country on a long trek, and found himself exhausted.  Stumbling upon a farm that had plenty of horses, he asked the farmer if he might borrow one to finish his journey.

"Well son," the farmer said, "I can only spare one horse, 'cause all the others will be working in the field today... but 'ya have to keep in mind that it is a very special horse.  I trained her up real religious-like, so if'n you want to make her go, don't say 'giddyup'... say 'Praise the Lord,' and when you want 'er to stop say 'Amen' instead of 'Whoa.'  Do you think you can handle that?"

The man assured the farmer that he understood the instructions and he climbed on, settled in and shouted "Praise the Lord!"  Sure enough, the horse began trotting off.

After some time, the obedient horse seemed to pick up quite a bit of speed, and soon the galloping pace began to concern the man on horseback.  Faster and faster they went.  By this time, the man was starting to panic and could not remember what to say to make the horse stop.

Faster and faster they went.  The man became more and more worried.  Then, his worst fears were realized: right in front of him was a very steep precipice, with a vertical drop that would surely kill both rider and horse. As the distance closed quickly between him and certain death, the man prayed for all he was worth, and at the end of his prayer he said a loud "Amen."

With that, the horse stopped abruptly... and none too soon.  They had halted at the very edge of the cliff!  Seeing what a close call he had just had, the man looked up to the heavens, took a great sigh of relief, and said  "Praise the Lord.....

___________________________________

Quite a disappointment for first-time worshipers.

You know what "WWJD" stands for....or do you?

It hasn't happened yet, but Pastor Jim
fears the day when his sermon goes too long...
and then

Perhaps the Covenant Session should take a new
approach to reclaiming inactive members...?

FISH & CHIPS

Lost on a snowy night, a traveler stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he'd ever eaten. After dinner, the visitor went into the kitchen to offer compliments to the chefs.

He is met by two smiling brothers. "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles," the men volunteered. "I'm quite pleased to meet you both," the traveler replied.  "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." Turning to Michael, the other brother, he says, "Then you must be...?" "Oh yes," he offered without hesitation. "I'm the chip monk."

___________________________________

QUOTABLE QUOTES

"Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched." [Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, Ohio]

"Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong." [Msgr. Joseph P. Dooley, Martins Creek, Pennsylvania]

"A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing On The Promises' are just sitting on the premises." [Sr. Monique Rysavy]

"Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway." [Donald J. Morgan, Columbus, Ohio]

"Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God."  [Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]

THIS IS THE KIND OF DIET THAT PASTOR JIM LIKES BEST !

______________________________________________________

The photographer for a National Magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go-Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the North side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

____________________________________________________________

A man was talking to God and he asks, "God, since you made everything, what is money to you?" God answered, "Well, one million dollars to you would be one penny to me."

The man thinks for a moment and then asks, "God, since you have been around forever, what is time to you?" God replies, "Well my son, one second to me would be one million years to you."

The man thinks some more and says, "God, can I have a penny?"

God replies, "Why certainly.... just a second !"

____________________________________________________________

One Sunday a man decided he was going to skip church to take a walk in the woods...
and so he did.  But while he was hiking he suddenly encountered a huge bear,
and the bear saw him.  Then the bear started to chase him.

The man ran fast, but  the bear ran faster. 
Soon out of breath, the frightened man stumbled down an embankment
and found himself face-to-face with the wild animal.

As the bear stood and then approached with claws extended and teeth bared,
the man saw his life flash before him and prayed earnestly:

"Dear Jesus, please make this bear a Christian." 

Right then and there the mighty creature halted, sat on his haunches,
folded his paws together and prayed:

"Bless me, O Lord, for these Thy gifts,
which I am about to receive from Thy bounty.
Through Christ the Lord I pray.  Amen. "

____________________________________________________________

More Airplane Humor . . . 

P:     Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
ME:  Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:     Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
ME:  Be advised -- auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P:     Something loose in cockpit.
ME:  Something tightened in cockpit.

P:     Dead bugs on windshield.
ME:  Live bugs on back order.

P:     Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet/min descent.
ME:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P:     Mouse in cockpit.
ME:  Cat installed.

P:     Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
ME:  Evidence removed.

P:     DME volume unbelievably loud.
ME:  DME volume set to more believable level.

P:     Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
ME:  That's what friction locks are for.

P:     Suspected crack in windshield.
ME:  Suspect you're right.

P:     Number 3 engine missing.
ME:  Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P:     Aircraft handles funny.
ME:  Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P:     Target radar hums.
ME:  Re-programmed target radar with contemporary lyrics.

__________________________________________________________________

FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN,
ANNOUNCING "NO EXCUSE SUNDAY"

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

▪ Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

▪ There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

▪ Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

▪ We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

▪ Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

▪ Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list all the hypocrites present. A prominent space will be allocated at the top of the card for the cardholder to write his own name down first on that list.

▪ Relatives and friends will serve as substitutes for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

▪ We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

▪ One section will be devoted to trees, flowers and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

▪ Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

▪ The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

▪ We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can!

Hope to see you there!    --Author Unknown
 

THE GOLDEN PHONES

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc.

He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Pittsburgh, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."
 

DIDN'T KNOW THE WAY

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
 

A CAT AND MOUSE IN HEAVEN

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. After one week in their new location they met God and he asked them "How do you like it so far?"

The mouse replied "It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?" God said "Sure, why not?" and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him "So, how do you like heaven so far?"  The cat replied "Totally awesome!  I had no idea you had Meals on Wheels up here!"

____________________________________________________________